my mental state

or is it just personal?

i spent 4 weeks in a far away land to do one of my placements. it costs nearly 15 pounds just to get there one way from leeds when it costs about 7 pounds cheap day return to get to newcastle from that place. that’s where it is. the town is small but lovely, with only one high street. just one street literally with all the shops you can possibly find around the city. the hospital is very small compared to a teaching hospital but with tesco nearby, i’d still give it a huge credit… plus the room provided is well-heated.

but after the assessment this afternoon, i don’t ever want to return to this place or more specific, to see the consultant ever again. i don’t think his ‘professionalism’ is flattering. he lost my respect.

so, we have a presentation this afternoon. in front of 4 consultants who are ready to bombard us with questions and evaluate us in the end. i honestly don’t think i did badly and i don’t expect to get top notch mark, but i must say i feel i did ok. i prepared and spent time on it. i answered the questions they asked me. it’s not like ‘J’ who actually find a case and prepare the presentation this morning. it’s not even like ‘S’ whose case are long winded plus not answering some of the question. but still… my mark is the lowest between the 3 of us.

fine. maybe my communication/presentation skills is lacking. obviously i am not british and when i’m nervous i can stutter but nevermind that. i can still accept that i am possibly the weakest link between the three. i guess i’m used to it by now…

but when i saw the overall evaluation marking sheet between 3 of us, shut up!

out of 5 criteria: communication skills, teamwork, initiative, professional behaviour and overall, i only get one excellent tick- in professional behaviour when these other 2 girls got everything ticked off as excellent.

at first, i don’t understand why exactly am i pissed off??? i usually didn’t mind not getting excellent at all because as far as i am concerned, passing is a great big gift to me. but since i know from the heart that one of them has been skiving quite a lot and the other one is not very much better than i am but they got ALL ticked off as being excellent, that just doesn’t make sense does it???

why is there such a HUGE difference???

do they honestly deserve so much more than i am when i work twice as hard just to be noticed? i turn up for most of the timetabled teachings… didn’t i derserve the same for initiative and teamworking criteria at least??? shouldn’t they just get satisfactory in teamwork and initiative just like me??? for God sake, TEAMWORK should be a team’s mark!why??? i couldn’t help asking myself… is it just because they are white british girl and i am not, thus i am technically the scapegoat? if they have to fail someone, straight away it would be me? is that it???

i am disgusted. i am gutted. i am mad. when above other things, this is the people of civilised country who claimed that they treat everyone equally - i am not impressed. i thought the consultant would be fair but he didn’t. i thought he didn’t intended
NOT to make eye contacts with me during previous tutorials but thinking about it now, maybe he actually did. and i am just plain naive to think the better of him.

this IS plain personal…

it may just be a needle in a haystack… but today, i found one right in my face.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 2nd, 2006 at 3:38 pm and is filed under doc in the making. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.