my mental state

Doa Akhir Tahun
Seeloknya dibaca 3 kali antara waktu Asar dan Maghrib.

"Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang, selawat dan kesejahteraaan ke atas penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad s.a.w, ahli keluarga dan sahabat sahabat baginda. Wahai Tuhanku, sesungguhnya pada tahun ini ada aku melakukan larangan-laranganMu tetapi aku belum bertaubat. Sedangkan Engkau tidak redha dan tidak melupakannya. Sesungguhnya Engkau berupaya menghukumku tetapi Engkau mengilhamkan daku taubat. Sesungguhnya aku memohon keampunanMu. Ampunilah aku. Kuharap apa yang kulakukan tahun ini adalah dari apa yang Engkau redhai dan dijanjikan pahala ke atasnya. Sesungguhnya aku memohon padaMu ya Allah. ya Karim (pemurah). ya Zal Jalali Wal Ikram (yang maha agung dan maha mulia). Terimalah permohonanku ini dan janganlah Kau hampakan harapanku wahai Tuhan yang maha pemurah. Selawat dan salam ke atas junjungan kami Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. dan keluarga baginda serta sahabat sahabatnya. Segala puji bagi Allah Tuhan Sekalian Alam"

Doa Awal Tahun
Seelok-eloknya dibaca 3 kali selepas Maghrib

"Dengan nama Allah yang maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang. Selawat dan salam ke atas penghulu kami, Nabi Muhammad s.a.w, ahli keluarga dan sahabat sahabat baginda. Ya Allah, Engkaulah yang abadi dan kekal untuk selama-lamanya. Demi kelebihanMu yang maha agung dan kemurahan limpah kurniaMu, sesungguhnya pada tahun baru ini aku memohon perlindunganMu dari syaitan yang direjam, pengikutnya, tenteranya dan penolongnya. Lindungilah diriku dari nafsu amarah yang sentiasa mendorong ke arah kejahatan dan melalaikan aku dengan perkara tak berfaedah daripada mendekatkan diri kepadaMu.Selawat dan salam ke atas junjungan besar Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. dan keluarga serta sahabat sahabat baginda.Segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan yang memelihara dan mentadbir sekalian alam"

i’d like to welcome the weekend… yeay!

was stocking up junks - chocolates, crisps and what not in morrison when i came across this guy that reminded me that chinese new year is actually this sunday. he is buying things for dinner with friends and going to make ‘dumplings’. suddenly get this echo of gong xi fa chai song i heard over hitz.fm these days. celebration is still a celebration. nothing should stop that even when family is not around - there are still friends to be with and celebrate!

for all of you celebrating chinese new year this sunday, gong xi fa chai… have a great time!!!

as for me, i’ll be away a bit for a revision course. something to actually put me in revision mode. hehe… hope it’s well worth it for all the money, effort and time spent… and together with that, i’m gonna miss the third? family day this sunday. the once a year official family gathering. it’s in sunway isn’t it this time? haiyoooo… sooooo tak aci. but still, hope they all  have fun and remember me who cannot make it… kes kes kes… =P

oh another event around this weekend… it’s the end of 1426 hijrah. 1 MUHARAM 1427 is on it’s way, on 31st january. happy new year!!!

———-

satu muharam detik permulaan
perkiraan tahun islam hijrah
perpindahan nabi dan umat islam
dari kota mekah ke kota madinah

oleh itu… mari semua
kita sambut maal hijrah
kuatkan semangat
tingkatkan syiar islam
untuk sepanjang zaman… untuk sepanjang zaman…
HIJRAH!

———-

fadhilat muharam:

1-9 muharam - puasa sunat

10 muharam - puasa sunat (hari asyura)

sepanjang muharam dan insyaAllah all the way through;

• menyapu kepala anak2 yatim
• bersedekah kepada fakir miskin
• bercelak mata
• memudahkan perbelanjaan keluarga

on a lighter tone, this is how my laptop’s screen looks like sometimes, when it has some breakdown somewhere… the windows go twice the normal size so the screen cannot display all… and the colours just go pastel and abstract… alhamdulillah, it has not been that way so often after a ‘charming’ friend’s courtesy to repair it last time… thank you!!!

weird eh? this is seriously not a camera trick and i seriously took this pic to prove my point cause i can never explain what happen to my computer. i can still remembered the first time it gets into trouble - the whole screen went matrix, with numbers up and down over black background. seriously freaking thought i was neo… kah kah kah… but kept my cool and just shut it down… later on had to reformat the whole thing…

oh well… it still does the job… i can still give it some credit… =P

it’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
it’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
it’s the one who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to be
and the soul afraid of dying that never seems to live

~bette midler~

the bliss of being ignored is to notice the mistakes you made previously, to realise the feeling you’ve put onto others left unnoticed, to feel the emptiness and at times… to learn just to let go… to be fragile as it was supposed to be. to taste life as it was meant to be. to face the fate. to have patience. to give time. to thank you.

just noticed that the trees started to grow again…
spring is definitely on its way…

nature do plays tricks on life but the beauty lies in noticing it in the first place…

enjoyed it…

recommended for a light… very light reading…

welcome to the planet
welcom to existence
everyone’s here
everyone’s here
everybody’s watching you now
everybody waits for you now
what happens next?
what happens next?

**
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
i dare you to lifet yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
like today never happened
today never happened before

welcome to the fallout
welcome to resistance
the tension is here
tension is here
between who you are and who you could be
between how it is and how it should be

repeat **

maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
where can you run to escape from yourself?
where you gonna go?
where you gonna go?
salvation is here

i dare you to move
i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
like today never happened
today never happened
today never happened
today never happened before…

———-

by: switchfoot

———-

hmm… quite a few songs and less rambling in my entries lately but hey, why not? sometimes the songs convey what you feel just as good as writing anyway… heh… enjoy and take care!

p/s: heh… byk lak gamba langit langit mendung nih… oh sunshine, where are you? winter is still evident i must say…

5.00pm - departed from the room
5.10pm - arrived at the ward, managed to get the pin code for staff room and dumped the coat and stuffs, getting ready to set off

5.15pm - met one of the house officer that is supposed to finish work at 5pm but still writing up the clerking details quickly while ocassionally talking to me. she kindly bleep the house officer on-call, who i have spoken to before and know that i will be here tonight.

5.30pm- finally get in touch and met him at ward 49. there is a venflon and bloods to be taken. showed me the equipment room and got the things needed.

5.40pm - approach the patient with care. *butterfly in tummy initially and then, phewh* she is a nice lady indeed but unfortunately she is not an easy subject. no visible veins and kindly told me that she has been known to have difficulty with getting venous access. *great!* attempted cannulation in the right arm - no luck. attempted on the left side - no luck either. *buggers!!!* kindly told her that i’ll get senior doc to help with getting the access. patient kindly smile.

6.10pm - told the house officer that i couldn’t get the access. he kindly reassure that it’s ok and ask whether i’d like to do blood. i said ok. got all the stuffs for blood taking

6.15pm - approach the patient. i am comfortable taking bloods plus she has big patent veins. *yeay!* put on the touniquet, and then the needle, fill up the first bottle, get it off, put in the next bottle and suddenly there’s a hiss… no blood now coming in and needle is out of skin. *arghh!! i need to poke her again for the other bottle* and she is not very happy either. appologise a few times and finally get her to agree for another poke.

6.25pm - felt dreadful in equipment room while gathering the needed stuffs. i can understand why she is not happy and doubly angree at self. *isk isk isk… why laa???* but need to calm self quickly…

6.30pm - approach again and appologise again big time. she is also apologising and say that she didn’t actually mind the needle but she has had a rough day and this is the fourth time someone came in to take the bloods. she actually smile and make me feel at ease. i am determined to get it right. put on tourniquet again and get the blood easily. reassure the patient i got all i need while pressing on the cotton wool. chat a bit and she actually look much nicer to me. *phewh… lega*

6.40pm - complete the details on both bottles and gave it to the house officer who is going to send it off. wait around while he finished more work on that ward.

7.00pm - get to another ward. two new patients. learn about writing up fluids and wrote one. prescribed analgesia for another. see the house officer took history. try and examine a yellow lady - she has jaundice.

7.30pm - was told that there are 3 bloods to do in two wards. got to one of them but it’s from central line. not so sure. got back to him and offer to help with another two bloods at another ward.

7.35pm - get to the ward that is 4 flight of stairs apart. introduce myself to the nursing staff, ask where all the stuffs are stored. prepare the equipment. another nice lady waiting. and after some warming up chat she said, "my GP didn’t get any blood from me the other time and i have to come in again the next day… i thought you should know" *bummers!!! another difficult vein…* kindly told her i will try my best. attempted the left arm - no luck. she said try the other arm. i said ok but my heart just don’t feel too good. tonight is just NOT the night. tried the other arm, nearly got blood but she said it’s too painful. i stopped. not going to push my luck there and decided to leave it to the house officer. she said sorry. i said sorry too and told her that the senior doc will give it a try later. we parted.

7.50pm - saw the house officer again and told him what happen. he said fine. it’s handover time. the night people has come. he should be off at 8pm anyway. stay at the handover meeting. he offered me to do catheterisation but i politely decline as i’ve done one yesterday, plus i think i have put in enough tubes in people this week including the NG tube, which is… hmm… brutal
8.10pm - finally get him to sign off a few things. thanks him and on my way home.

so, that’s my day. yes, it’s not long before i am the house officer in charge with medical student on my tail but right now, i still feel dumb and clueless! and the weird thing is… nobody ever told you that you will almost always be clueless. maybe they do, indirectly that is… by stressing the importance of continuous learning and development even after graduating, even after you are a consultant. oh well, as bad as it actually sounds here… i’m still on it. will try my best… =P

oh ya… suddenly remembered a quote that i like not so long ago, "intelligence is like underwear, everybody should have it but no one have to show it off"… haha… totally not related to this entry but what the heck…

i had no choice but to hear you
you stated your case time and time again
i thought about it
you treat me like a princess
i’m not used to liking that
you ask how my day was

you’ve already won me over in spite of me
and don’t be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don’t be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn’t help it
it’s all your fault

your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
you’re so much braver than i gave you credit for
that’s not lip service

you’ve already won me over in spite of me
don’t be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don’t be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn’t help it
it’s all your fault

you are the bearer of unconditional things
you held your breath and the door for me
thanks for your patience
you’re the best listener i’ve ever met
you’re my best friend
best friend with benefit
what took me so long

i’ve never felt this healthy before
i’ve never wanted something rational
i am aware now
i am aware now

you’ve already won me over in spite of me
and don’t be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don’t be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn’t help it
it’s all your fault

———-

by: alanis morissette

*ughh* i just have to say this —> the last entry is so rubbish!!! i am truly sorry about that but i don’t intend to delete the entry either… hehe… let it be the way it is…

p/s: this pic is the first outdoor test pic by the new camera - casio exilim ex-z120 (7.2mp)… love the shade of the sky…

anyway, today is the 10th of Zulhijjah 1426. it’s aidil adha. it’s about sacrifices. it’s about pilgrimage. i am thankful that i am in leeds compared to aidil fitri, but still… to no luck was i going to have the day off.

the day started as early as 7.45 am and ended way past 5 pm. it’s a typical working hour. it’s the typical rushing about hoping to learn as much in chaos. that is literally running behind the whole team of 3 consultant surgeons, 2 or 3 registrars, 1 SHO and another 2 PRHO - to the working round, x-ray meeting and grand round. my feet nearly kill me. oh well, at least varicose vein will not be a surprise in a few years time - that is if i don’t learn to quickly sit down somewhere in between. heh… to add to that, the sister kindly reminded the nice nurse specialists not to give tea or coffee to medical students in the clinic later in the afternoon. hmm, not that i wanted one so much but what is that about? and the heat is definitely on as one is challenged to prove onself more knowledgeable than another 3rd year students who suddenly appear to sit in the clinic with us. oh boy… i hate spotlight! =P… alhamdulillah, i can still answer a few *phewhhhh*… but i seriously need to get my brain up to speed if i want to fill it up on time. it is officially 100 days to the big day. GAME is ON!!! *meremang bulu roma*

nevertheless, to say that aidil adha did not matter today is not exactly true. every now and again, i remembered. i do what i can. and to realise that today is indeed a day of sacrifices, a day to be thankful and indeed a day to be remembered do count somehow. it is indeed a sacrifice with each steps isn’t it? even if there are no family, friends and festive food around. the thought is still there. though i do hope i’d be able to cherish more of this day. speaking of which, will be joining my lovable housemates making up dinner in a bit… hehe…

the point is, it doesn’t matter where and how we celebrate the day as long as we know what the day is about. as long as we know what we can at least do to cherish the day. last but not least, i am taking this opportunity to wish all of you "SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA". please forgive me if i ever hurt you. take care.