my mental state

alhamdulillah… finally packing up my stuffs and leaving home soon… it has turn out as i had hoped for and i am VERY GLAD indeed… so thankful for the blessings… thanks for all the worries, concerns, prayers and thoughts!! i cannot thank you enough… it’s still unbelievable…

reality check: along the way, there are some who are yet to cross to the other side… and although i am greatful for my fate, i’m still shocked with the overall results for the whole batch… God knows how the school actually evaluate us in the end because we are clueless and speechless with the outcomes… it must be one of the worst situations i’ve been through and honestly, it felt like the whole gut canal has been twist, squeezed and tight to a knot… hmm… it would have been better to cross to the other side together hand in hand with all my friends but we all know how the system works… but i’m sure eventually, we’ll be there (in the final year) together insyaAllah… my prayers and thoughts always be with thee and that i’ll do my best if you ever need me…

anyway, just a note for those who has been reading my blog… there’ll probably be less of my rantings while i’m away and i’m sure most of you will be glad not to receive reminders from friendster about my blog… ha ha ha… i cannot believe that i have so many things to share… anyway, thanks for all the feedbacks and comments, even if you only passes by… as i mentioned in the debut entry, it may not give any benefits what-so-ever by reading this blog but if it did, then good for you… any weaknesses is on my behalf and i am deeply sorry…

last but not least, take good care of yourself - each and every single one of you… don’t forget to cherish life… seize the moment or carpe diem!! - just like in the dead poet society… (",)

updated: hi hi hi… sorry guys… this entry has been stirring some controversy pulak dah… i have not completed the degree (although i wish i have… hehe)… another year to go, insyaAllah… and i’m actually just going away for elective cum holiday back home, di malaysia tercintak… maybe the entry sounds too dramatic that it seemed like i’m leaving home for good pulak… sorry for any misunderstandings!! hehe =P… just imagined me completing the degree… sure merambu air mata nya entry… har har har…

sebelum mata terlena

di buaian malam gelita

takafur ku dipembaringan

mengenangkan nasib diri

yang kerdil lemah dan bersalut dosa

mampukah kumengharungi titian sirat nanti

membawa dosa yang menggunung tinggi

terkapai kumencari limpahan hidayahmu

agar terlerai kesangsian hati ini

sekadar air mata tak mampu membasuhi dosa ini

sebelum mata terlena

dengarlah rintihan hati ini

Tuhan, beratnya dosaku

tak daya kupikul sendiri

hanyalah rahmat dan kasih sayangMu

yang dapat meringankan urutan maksirahku

andainya esok bukan milikku lagi

dan mata pun kutakpasti akan terbuka lagi

sebelum berangkat pergi ke daerah sana

lepaskan beban ini yang mencengkam jiwa dan ragaku

selimutilah diriku dengan cucur kasih sayangMu

agar lena nanti kumimpikan syurga yang indah abadi

———-

by: hijjaz

sometimes things are over for good…

sometimes things are over with uncertainty…

and at other times, things are over not the way we want it to be…

———-

so this is how it feels like after the final day of exam is over… the uncertainty and the agony still linger… the battle has been faught but the winners are yet to be announced… a mixed feelings - relieved that i still remain in one piece by the end of it and scared of the outcomes… it’ll not be long now and either way, as the little chit chat i had, acceptance is all i needed… keredhaan atas setiap ketentuan yg pastinya dengan hikmah…

it has been a really long year… too many things have happened and are still happening… to sum up - it’s like being bashed and smashed emotionally, mentally and physically but not to forget financially… seperti telah dibelasah hidup hidup… emotionally with all the issues, hormones running haywire… mentally to remain at the required and expected IQ, keeping the fight instead of the flight responses at all time… physically hoping to function at its best while enduring the weather as well as occasional visits from bugs… and financially, with all the expenses when having to be in placements outside the city and other necessities… oh dear… oh dear… what a year…

maybe it’s nothing to some people or maybe it’s everything… but i’m sure it’s called entering adulthood - no more simple black and white… there are loads of grey areas to be discovered… and one just have to learn to make some judgements as well as adjustments…

especially, when it concerns the plastics… hehe  =P

**numb**

3/4 fate sealed…

just hope there’s more to me left for tomorrow - for the finale…

have to hold self together a bit more…

there should be a light at the end of a tunnel isn’t it?

just keep on reminding myself that by this time next week, i’ll be gone…

and to think of it, this is not even the final year for a piece of paper called a degree…

datanglah sayang dan biarkan kuberbaring

dipelukanmu walaupun ‘tuk sejenak

usaplah dahiku kan kukatakan semua

bila kulelah tetaplah di sini

jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri

bilaku marah biarkan kubersandar

jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar

rasakan resahku dan buat aku tersenyum

dengan canda tawamu walaupun ‘tuk sekejap

ker’na hanya engkaulah yang sanggup redakan aku

kar’na engkaulah satu satunya untukku

dan pastikan kita selalu bersama

ker’na dirimulah yang sanggup mengerti aku

dalam susah mahupun senang

dapatkah engkau selalu menjagaku

dan mampukah engkau mempertahankanku…

———-

by: sheila on 7

———-

lama tak dengar lagu ini… memang lagu yang bley buat tersenyum… =)

enjoy the song… adios!

alhamdulillah… the written exams that are scheduled for 2 days are over… nearly broken to pieces after the first day but still managed the second one… it’s hard to keep strong and i am too scared to even comment about it here… enough said by reminding me and anybody reading this to appreciate the beauty of Islam, in that we have FAITH and HOPE and that we can still pray may all be well for us… insyaAllah - KUN FA YA KUN… on the other hand, there are the practical bits of the exam to look forward to - the OSCE next tuesday and wednesday… perjuangan belum selesai… the fate is half-sealed and all in God’s will… what is a battle without a fight isn’t it? usaha itu perlu…

anyway, just been doing some reading and catching up with the whole bombing issues here in UK… beristighfar jugak lah daku beberapa kali - astaghfirullah hal a’zim… it is scary and it is much more devastating than what i thought… the impact is certainly bigger than the 911… and the Muslims are certainly having the backlash despite all efforts to remain neutral and united fighting the extremists… the air is certainly of suspicion…

read an article from a muslim lady reporter in london describing the recent event, which is quite ugly… she rushed into a bus in the capital of london feeling all the gazed falling onto her, realising she’s the only one with hijab on the bus… someone who eventually sits beside her decided to change seating… and then at one point, some stranger shout at her and she was nearly hit by a beer can… now, THAT is just plain aweful!!

and then, i read an article in the utusan malaysia, about one of the US reps saying that US may attack Mekah if the terrorist carry on planning to attack US with the nuclear… what is that all about?? and the news on tv just showed how the muslims are reacting in pakistan, making their best effort to show that Islam has no connection what-so-ever with the london bombings… although sadly, the only part shown are those of angry muslims throwing stones at a building and parading - surely not the whole picture of muslim is it?

now, are those pointing fingers and dodgy glances at muslim are still not clear that Islam FORBID the killings of innocents despite all the memorandums made by the religious leaders?? that the EXTREMISTS are the culprit?? and that no religion should be blamed for this irresponsible act?? and that "they" may indeed started all this in the first place?? hmm… with the last remark, i’m sure the arguments are endless, just like when people argue which is first - is it the chicken or is it the egg??… something logical would be to think openly about the issues, to think whether the tragedy is actually an act of desperation, or even more dangerous, it may well be the act of the opportunists - the batu api…

one thing for sure - things are getting out of hand and Muslims should be aware of this… together we must remain calm and united, portraying what Islam is all about… at least now i know a bit better how those living in terror and fear feels like everyday - living with uncertainty, waiting for another bomb to drop from the sky and wondering whether they will be safe even for another day… no where is really safe anymore… (and those back home - we should be ever more greatful to live in peace, tapi jangan leka pulak… ) especially when world peace almost seemed like a fantasy… like a complete joke!

alhamdulillah - with this in mind, suddenly going through an exam is certainly not a big deal compared to being a muslim these days… sesungguhnya akhir zaman itu makin hampir dengan isi dunia bergelodakan, belum pun lagi saat retak bumi membelah dan dipanggil untuk perhitungan… may we all still have the time to do what we have to, insyaAllah…

pergi jauh pergi

rasa gugat semangat

jendela waktu gamit

tiba saat getir

***

kenapa terkasima?

kenapa masih leka?

kenapa tak kuerti rasa?

kenapa kutanya kenapa?

***

esok lusa tulat

tiba detik semadi

juang gagah tekad

rangkak mengharung uji

***

tegakkah aku di akhiran

tergadahkah di pernghujungnya

semua hanya dapat kupanjatkan

pada esa belas kuasaNya

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

ahaha… simply cannot resist this entry… sorry if you get so many updates from my blogs but i sure didn’t ask friendster to do the alerts… btw, maceh za for cute quiz… waweeee… ice creamm… time time nih laa nk terliur… heh… to try this quiz, http://www.blogthings.com/whatflavoricecreamareyouquiz/

yeaaaaaaaaaaa!!! my inner child screams just like hundreds (or is it thousands??) of youngster at the launching of harry potter latest series at midnight last night… giddy and excited alltogether… hi hi hi… i have to confess that i am transfixed to the television screen for quite some time, listening attentively to JK Rowling as she proudly read a few pages of the book live… oh boyyyy… yummy yummy… i wanna go to HOGWARD!!! i wanna play quidditch… i wanna be a witch and not a muggle… muahahaha…

sure will have to resist the temptation to read the book even if it appears at my door step next morning… patience is a virtue… hehe…

anyway, this is one of the random quiz i did to ease boredom, at www.colorquiz.com… and since i got this from a friend’s blog and she asks whoever doing this test to share the result… here’s mine… =P

Your Existing Situation

Attracted by anything new, modern, or intriguing. Liable to the bored by the humdrum, the ordinary, or the traditional (well… i do have a short attention span…)

Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved–that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal. (heh… i can be pretty intense… or tense… or stress out… haha… you know, the normal fight or flight response to ensure survival… )

Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are (syukurlah dengan apa yang ada… right?). Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being (oh yess… at the mo = exam… even have to wait before indulging into harry potter… hehe).

Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful (well, lets just say i appreciate beauty… (",) ).

Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself to the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants… (hehe… dunno lah…)

Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain’s inability to regular sleep-wake cycles normally. At various time during the day, people with narcolepsy experience fleeting urges to sleep. If the urge becomes overwhelming, individual will fall asleep for periods lasting from a few seconds to several minutes. In rare cases, some people may remain asleep for several hours or longer. In addition for excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), 3 other major symptoms frequently characterised narcolepsy: cataplexy or the sudden loss of voluntary muscle tone, vivid hallucinations during sleep onset or during awakening, and brief episodes of total paralysis at the beginning or end of sleep. Narcolepsy is not definitively diagnosed in most patient until 10 to 15 years after the first symptoms appear. The cause of narcolepsy remains unknown. It is likely that narcolepsy involves several factors interacting to cause neurological dysfunction and sleep disturbances.

———-

there you go… maybe i am a bit hypochondriac… and it is still amazing how med students endlessly diagnosed themselves with whatever passes their eyes… hehe… but still i’m convinced this may be the problem… yeah… at least a mild degree narcolepsy… hahaha…

hmm… let see… the age of onset i would say, in tadika when i was 6 years old… (meaning that it has been going on for more than 15 years.. =P)… proven by the occasion when i slept in the bus, tido mati punya style - not realising it has passed my house and thanks to my nextdoor neighbourhood friend who don’t even bother to wake me up, i end up segan nak mati dalam bas - especially when the bus is full of school children and no other kindergarten kid around, and then came off the bus to face the disbelieved and confused mak as to why i haven’t arrived from tadika after 2 hours… all i can say it has become a joke and it can pretty much still be around to haunt me… heh…

but anyway, alia n wada can bear witnessed to the urge to sleep in the daytime - especially in lecture theatres… thank God there are more clinics than lectures now… and then there are those crazy sleeping pattern… plus sleeping anywhere anytime… hmm… and to think of it, i do have this occasional loss of voluntary muscle tone… i don’t think i have ever experienced hallucinations… but total paralysis? errr… err… hehe… or maybe i am just convincing myself that i am narcoleptic…

oh well… at least i learn something…