my mental state

read this book a while ago… by jennifer crusie… didn’t expect it’s gonna be such an interesting read and actually bought it on impulse at a charity sale in the hospital for a quid… but it turns out not bad at all… and it’s quite funny in it’s own way… hehe… especially when i’m not really into books…

so, the synopsis goes like this… "Quinn McKenzie is living what she called a ‘beige life’. She’s dating the world’s nicest guy, she has a good job as an art teacher in high school. And she’s bored to the point of insanity. But it’s when she adopts a stray dog that her life is turned upside down, and Quinn discovers that when a woman tries to make changes in her life, it can drive a whole town crazy"…

it’s about change… and it’s funny how small change can makes a big impact on one’s life… quinn started with adopting a stray dog but then break up with his ‘obsessed’ boyfriend, bill, who didn’t agree with having pets and actually have their life all planned well ahead without her knowing it… she decided to buy her own house just to keep the dog whilst bill keeps stalking her from time to time… she also starts making her move to nick, her sister’s ex-husband, who she had a crush on… and all along the way… quinn is accompanied by her best friend, darla who is married to max (nick’s brother) and who’s life is also stuck into a mundane routine… not as exciting as it used to be… all they want is a change… to feel exciting again… to feel alive… and it is quite funny how they make all these changes throughout the story… including cutting their typical long hair to show that something is different… that they have changed!

hmm… it’s easy to fall into a comfortable easy life isn’t it? and rarely the spark or excitement survive a lifetime… along the way, the spark may die and that’s when you realise how mundane and boring your life has been…

"You can’t keep excitement forever," Darla said. "It goes. And then you have to settle for what you’ve got, and if you’ve got a really good guy, that’s enough, that’s more than enough, that’s fine. Maybe Bill didn’t understand about the dog. Maybe if you give him another chance. He could give you a safe life, a–"

"I don’t want that," Quinn said. "I’ve had a safe life for thirty five years and I’m tired of it. I want to wake up every morning knowing that something good is coming, that there’s a reason to get out of bed. The same damn thing over and over is not a good reason."

well… as i mentioned in my previous post… change is inevitable whether you like it or not… and hopefully, the change is for the better… we just have to be brave enough to take all the tiny small steps along the way… scary as it may… and if ever the sparks die in a relationship… both have to work on igniting it back to life…

hehehe… berfelasafah pula daku… buku nih pun nk tafsir lebih lebih… sekian… enjoy!! =D

andainya aku dapat

menggenggam bara api sayang

pasti tanganku melecur hakikat kau tetap kusayang

andainya aku dapat

membawa kau ke bulan sayang

haruslah aku jadi seorang angkasawan sayang

———-

**burung burung berterbangan mengiringi penerbangan

kita terlanggar awan lalu terjunam ke lautan

kita harungi ribut dan taufan… punahlah segala harapan

hadir nelayan menghulur tangan menyambut episod cinta kita

———-

andai antara kita

ada lautan api sayang

akan tetap kurenang

tapi selepas hujan sayang

ulang **

andainya aku dapat

menggenggam bara api sayang

pasti tanganku melecur hakikat kau tetap kusayang

andainya aku dapat

membawa kau ke bulan sayang

haruslah aku jadi seorang angkasawan sayang

———-

by: GG Group

———-

well… one of the song that amused me and keep me smiling when i listened to it… the lyric is gobsmackingly direct and is not exactly what you’d hope to hear from a lover… but amazingly enough… it’s sweet… and honest… romantic in not so romantic way… heh… or maybe it’s just my interpretation… but honestly… sapa la nk renang dalam lautan api?? unless obviously after hujan… and who’s going to take you to the moon unless he is an astronaut? hehe… but still it’s sweet cause a gesture is one of the thing that matters…

mode: sleeping not wanting to wake up…

verdict: still impressed by people who can manage to wake up every single day enthusiastic or at least with enough spirit to do what they have to do… why can’t i just do what i want? why do i have to wake up? it’s not like anyone would notice or for that fact… would care… heh… the blessing of living on one’s own… except for the attendance sheet maybe… well, i’m not bothered…

last sms received: Ti, how r u feeling? Hope ur better physically and mentally…

verdict: touched by angels… thanks kutlah… ur msg makes my day… though i still didn’t budge from the bed and give in to my desire of not wanting to wake up… hmm… not at my best form at the moment… not stable… physically and mentally…

listening to: pupus by dewa

verdict: some music are created from the heart, meant for the heart… the music is awesome… especially part gitarnya digoreng… can feel it in my heart! and even the voice of the singer is marvelous… penuh perasaan… yeah… that what i want in a song at the moment… full of emotions… full of meanings…

just watched: one tree hill season 2 series 18

verdict: lovin’ it… one of my cure these days…

time: 3.33 a.m.

verdict: it’s such a peaceful morning… and how i wish i can just live to enjoy the moments… to suck in the flavour of my liking… heh… but toodle doo… to the hospital i must go… but that’s not too bad… it’s friday and after all… i missed two days already… aiyoooo… what laa with me?

aku tak mengerti apa yang kurasa

rindu yg tak pernah begitu hebatnya

aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tahu

meski kau takkan pernah tahu

aku persembahkan hidupku untukmu

telah kurelakan hatiku padamu

namun kau masih bisu diam seribu bahasa

dan hati kecilku bicara

baru kusadari cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan

kau buat remuk seluruh hatiku

semoga waktu akan mengilhami isi hatimu yang beku

semoga akan datang keajaiban sehingga kau pun mahu

aku mencintaimu lebih dari yang kau tahu

meski kau takkan pernah tahu

———-

by: dewa

there are so many things i miss these days… i miss my family to bits… i’m gonna miss my friends going back to malaysia for good… i’m missing my friends back in malaysia more and more… wishing i could catch up and see how they are doing… i miss my friends who are not that far but seldom seen due to our busy own lives… i miss the memories that i had… i miss the time i’ve spent… i am missing everything… every single simple thing…

hmm… maybe i’m just under some blue shade today… especially when i just watched meteor garden II just now… i guess the feelings just playing me up… it’s a sweet but sad story… but loving it anyway… besides it has been ages since i watch chinese-spoken drama, which is actually one of my favourite past times… just a quick summary of what i’ve seen… there is more than just love in it… it’s about friendship as well… and in this season, one of the guys lost his memories… he tried to find his past but so far, he was not impressed by it and started loving the life that he begins to live… want to know more? watch it yourself ok… hehe… =P

hmm… just been thinking about my past… life is so simple back then… nobody knows me… i live my own life… i am not a scorer… teachers don’t know me… i just board on the bus every day and go to the school to play with the few little friends i have and eat junkies… and then came back home… watch some late noon chinese drama, mengaji, eat, do some schoolworks and sleep… nothing worries me and i don’t have to think… i am just an insignificant little being who are naive about this world…

then i move away from kl… suddenly the overall impression changed… especially at school… everybody knows me… i’m that girl from kl… i must be brilliant… i’m asked to be the class rep… everybody is so friendly and really interested to get to know me… i just cannot express how scary that feelings were to me back then… it’s just like being slap in the face by reality… but i must admit they are good experience for me… and they have benefit me well over these years… how expectations change everything… i was force to be more alert… to make an effort to learn more… to know something… to prove myself i am worthy of the impression…

and reflecting on my life so far… i have changed from who i used to be… and i am changing day by day… change is inevitable… change is a must… and i cannot promise i will be the same old me to anyone… cause as much as i wanted to stay the same… i will change… but the past will never change… and the past is what makes me who i am today… if you see me as a friendly person… believe me i have been a quiet one before… if you see me so strong… believe me i have been weak so many times… and if like what you see in me today… it’s my past that shaped me the way i am…

at times we may not realise how the past is significant to us… sometimes the memories are so dark that we wish it could be wiped away… sometimes it is too good that we keep on longing to them not wanting to let go… not wanting to move on… but love it or hate it… the past is the past and life goes on… it’s there as a reminder for us… it’s there as a guide… it’s there for what we want it to be…

i stood in silence

as the thoughts linger in my mind

how fortunate i have been

to have you as my elderly

———-

i sat in my own company

remembering all the moments we’ve lived

thinking words of wisdom you’ve told me

wishing more time i could spend with thee

———-

the distance do makes a difference

that everyday i wish you’ll hold on longer

so that you can see how you’ve shaped me

to be the person i would be

———-

i’ve thought of the day that you’d be gone

a scary thought… but the day will come

the fear crept within me

the uncertainty lies in front of me

———-

but i’ll pray for you with all my heart

whenever the thought of losing you comes

that when its time there you’ll be

among the pious and the martyrs you’ll shine

———-

for you have served your deed

and for me you’ve lived

and for me you’ve been

a great parents indeed…

———-

for the precious person in my life… AYAH & MAK… just know that without you  i’ll not be what i am today… thinking of you guys… and how i cannot thanks you enough for what you’ve given me in this world… for being the strength when i am weak… for being the courage that keeps me on my feet… for triggering my brain when i’m being such a fool… for planting the good deeds within me… for being my backbone all this while… sesungguhnya hanya Tuhan yg dapat membalas jasa dan pengorbananmu menyayangi dan mendidikku selama ini… insyaAllah…

to go or not to go??…

after 2 days of being good… and that include arriving at the hospital 15 mins before the session even though i have to comute nearly an hour on the bus and staying up to 5 o’clock… now, the evil side of me is taking over again… feeling really not in the mood to go tomorrow…plus the fact that i’m soak in my baju kurung for 20 mins waiting for the bus on the way back just now… yes people… i wore baju kurung today… and it rains heavily… and there is no proper bus stop to wait for the bus… no umbrella and wearing the non-water proof jumper… yepp… all went wet!!

it’s my own crazy decision not to stay in the hospital accomodation there that now i got more reason not to go… i thought i can keep up with the travelling… which is too ambitious for me maybe… hehe… i could just imagine myself kicking my own ass for being such a lazy bum… but hey… i’m aiming to do the case report if i’m staying home and that is a good thing isn’t it?… besides, i’ll go to the hospital both on thursday and friday to complete the rest of the assessment… hmm… ok la kan?

ish ish ish… terrible lah with my attendance these days… no stamina to go even for 5 days a week… can’t even remember when is the last time i attend everything that is scheduled for me in a week… hmm… wait till i become a doc and have on calls etc… zombie i will be… muahahahah… there goes the evil laughter…

eh oh… biskut rendam kopi o

eh oh… jangan kecoh

naik bukit kasi pelan pelan kayuh

baru ngam ho! orang panggil hero…

lu kaya ada kaya lagi

lu hebat ada hebat lagi

boleh untung mesti boleh rugi

takut kalah jangan main judi

eh oh… biskut rendam kopi o

eh oh… jangan kecoh

naik bukit kasi pelan pelan kayuh

baru ngam ho! orang panggil hero

lu kaya ada kaya lagi

lu lawa ada lawa lagi

ada mawar mesti ada duri

takut sakit baik pergi mati…

—–

by spider

andainya aku bertanya

padamu tentang bahagia

di mana nilai setia

di manakah puncak cinta

—–

mahukah engkau mengerti

harapan serupa mimpi

ianya dapat terjadi

atau hilang tak berganti

—–

sejarah mengajar kita

menjadi lebih dewasa

meniti arus angkara

lupakan kisah yang lalu

teguhkan tugu imanmu

doaku buat kekasih

—–

yang dulu usah dirindu

hilangkanlah dari hatimu

doaku buat kekasih…

—–

by: ramli sarip & kathijah ibrahim

this is one cool concept that i get from one of the mailing list… insyaAllah we may learn something from it… the source is from The Complete Forty Hadith by Imam an-Nawawi, p 40… these are not my word of wisdom of course… i just copy & paste from my email… hehe…. some bits are given a bit more meaning to it though sbb sendri pun bukanlah bagus sangat english… ahaks… =P

———–

The people of knowledge have said that the body is the kingdom of the self and its city. The heart is the middle of the kingdom. The members are like servants, and the inner faculties are like landed estates of the city. The intellect is like a concerned wazir (minister) who advises the king. Appetite is a seeker of the servants’ provisions. Anger is a policeman and a foul cunning slave who assumes the aspect of a councellor, but whose advice is deadly poison, and whose untiring habit is always to quarrel with the councelling wazir. The faculty of imagination is at the front of the brain like a treasurer, the faculty of thought is in the middle of the brain, and faculty of memory is in the rear of the brain. The tounge is an interpreter. The five senses are spies. Each one of them has been entrusted with making one of the arts, so the eye has been entrusted with the world of colours, hearing with the world of voices, and so on fro all others, for they are means of gathering information. They are doorkeepers which bring that which they have grasped to the self. Hearing, sight and the faculty of smell are like capabilities from which the self looks.

The heart is the king, so that if the shepherd is sound, the flock will be sound, and if he is corrupt, the flock will be corrupt. His soundness is only obtained by his safety from inner sickness such as malice (desire to harm), spite (desire to hurt, annoy or offend), greed (tamak haloba), miserliness (kebakhilan, kedekut), pride (riak), ridicule (make fun of), showing off (menunjuk nunjuk), seeking reputation (mencari nama), deceit (to cheat), covetousness (longing to possess something), ambition (mengejar dunia), and discontent with the decree (tdk berlandaskan undang2 yg ditetapkan). There are many illnesses of the heart amounting to almost forty, may Allah heal all of them and make us of those who come to Him with a sound healthy heart.